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October 14th Recap of Newlyweds

As the show opens, Nick is trying to kill bees. He asks Jessica if she'd like to help, she says 'no' and goes to read a magazine.

Lea, Jessica, and Lea's business partner are discussing Jessica's birthday party theme. Lea suggests a 'mad hatter' theme. The waiter brings a crab dish to the table and the girls are baffled about how to eat it. They ask the waiter and he tells them but they still don't eat it and decide to have the waiter take it back. Jessica tells Lea to put the leg back on the crab and that way they won't have to pay for it.

Later, Nick and Jessica are in the pool. Nick says he wants a hummer. Later the discussion shifts to bee. Jessica asks why they can't hire someone to kill the bees. Nick says that he's the bee killer.

Next, they go to Home Depot. Jessica is wearing a strapless dress with an uneven hem more suitable for a party than a trip to the store. Nick says I wonder if they have drapes. Jessica says,"No, I'm not getting my drapes from Home Depot."

They then look for stuff that will kill bees. Nick then wants to get other stuff, like
a name plate for the house. Jessica whines that she's hot and that they have no airconditioner. At one point, she sits and looks bored.

When they go home, Jessica asks Nick what he's going to do. He says he's going to go kill bees and she says she's going to work out. Nick kills the bees, later Jessica
comes out to watch. Once he's done, Nick says 'Now the sprinklers will work and our ivy won't die' (the bees had been blocking the sprinklers). They go back in and Justin Jaffre (who was visiting listens to them chat about the bees a little more and then Nick says 'I need to call the maid so she can clean'.

Jessica's friends arrive for her birthday. Two are her best friends and another also doubles as her road manager.

Later Nick and Justin go to Jack In the Box for a snack. Nick is driving a Hummer
because he and Jessica modeled in a fashion show sponsored by GM and one of the perks was that you got to drive a GM car for three months.

Back at the house, Jessica and her friend Cooper act out a play they wrote in junior
high school.

Jessica hires a makeup artist and hair dresser to get her ready for her birthday party. In the limo Jessica complains about someone burping and asks them if they ate Chinese food, while giving them at snotty imperious look.

Jessica's party is at a restaurant. Jessica is seen greeting guests such as Lance Bass.
She is so drunk at the end of the night, she loses a shoe. Her parents are shown dancing and her Dad swings her mother who falls over (I guess Mommy was drunk).

After they go home, Nick asks Jessica for a 'present'. She says 'Nick' in a shocked
voice.

The next day, Jessica talks about her gifts. She shows off the matching Hermes wallet and coin purse her parents and sister gifted her with. She explains stating,"They did this all on their own, they saw how much I enjoyed my purse."

In the previews for the final episode, Jessica is shown cooking. She is spurred on by Nick saying that they eat out all the time, so she decides to cook a meal for him.
She struggles in the kitchen and is seen noting, "Cooking is stressful."

Jessica and Nick Make New Videos

Nick, Jessica, Drew, and Leah (Drew's wife) are sitting outside at a restaurant eating. Jessica says that Nick has a hairy ass.. she says its a good thing she doesn't lick it. Drew tells her to not talk. Nick grabs her lips with his hand and tells her to close her mouth and just breathe through her nose.

Later on, Nick is making his first video for his solo album. He is seen getting makeup done and lipsyncing to his song in the video.

Jessica has trouble opening a bottle of champagne at Nick's video shoot. She is uncertain of how to take the cork off. Her friends cower as she struggles with it; they are afraid of getting hit with the cork. Finally, it flies off.

Later, back at the Lachey Mc Mansion, the couple is seen watching the video. Nick is not happy with the video. He says it looks like an 80's video with nothing going on. Jessica says she likes the video and that its mostly girls who will watch the video so they will like all
the closeups. Nick grumbles some more about his album.

Jessica's video is next. She and Nick are driven to shoot
her video 'Sweetest Sin'. The car picks them up at 5 am. She asks Nick if they have to be in the water all day and Nick says he doesn't know and that its her video. She and Nick are shot under a waterfall kissing and fondling with Jessica's mom looking on.

Filming is stopped because Jessica gets cold (she's filming in water). They fix her makeup and then she comes out and says her ears are itching. She asks Nick 'Did I say it right?' He says 'No, you mean that you ears are burning, if your ears are itching you have a rash.' (Jessica is soooo dumb!).

Jessica is freezing while they are filming the video and at one point, after telling them to 'hurry up' as they getting ready to pour more water on her, she runs out of the water with her teeth chattering.

Jessica's dad is shown saying that Jessica waited till marriage for sex and that now she's singing about it in her song that she can have sex till she's blue in the face. (ew, ew, yuck!!)

Later Nick calls it the most uncomfortable place he's ever been in a video. Jessica says that she's sore all over especially in her back.

Jessica's video is screened at the mansion. Jessica's dad is there cuddling his tiny dog. Jessica is wearing a skimpy bra top and mini skirt. Her video budget is discussed, it cost $172,000. Nick won't discuss what his video cost. He says that it cost alot less and looks half assed. Nick gets on the phone with his manager and record label and begs for more money. He contemplates spending his own money and Jessica says that he doesn't have that sort of money. She says, 'Its like playing blackjack, Nick, you 'll never get that money back from the label.'

'What if it could have made the difference?' Nick says.

Jessica replies,'What if it didn't?'

A few days later, Nick finds out that he got the money. Then he asks Jessica if she wants to go out to eat. She says yes and he asks what she wants; she replies,'Food'.

The video is shot at their house. The people who appeared in the 'Punk'd' episode with Nick are also in the video. After the footage is interspersed with the footage from the original video, Nick is pleased with the end result.

In the previews for the next episode, it's Jessica's birthday. Her mom is shown
bringing in 'Elmo' cookies (a Sesame Street character); so much for turning 23!

Newlyweds Recap for September 30 2003

Jessica and Nick are discussing the house. Jessica wants the house painted but Nick says that should wait till they move all the furniture so that the walls don't get nicked. Then they discuss what furniture should stay and what should go. Nick says he's not making any money so certain things will have to wait.

Jessica has to go to NYC to do the Today show because her book on weddings is coming out. She goes with her Mommy (Tina). She and her mom get to NYC and pick out clothes for the Today Show interview and the book party. They are at a boutique and Jessica says 'I'm not a good clothes tryer onner, my stylists hate me'.

Jess models a sexy outfit for mommy. Her mom encourages her to make the already mini skirt shorter. They buy the outfit. Later, Jess (wearing the micro mini) and her mom hail a cab in NYC. The cab stops and the driver says 'That's illegal'.. Jessica appears baffled and her mom says 'He means you honey!'

Nick and Drew shimmy a huge piece of furniture over the fence because
it won't fit through the front door.

Back in New York City, Jessica is on the way to her book signing. She says she's never had one before and hopes her fans will be there. She says the 12 year olds won't be interested in a marriage book but hopefully will want to see pics of Nick and her.

Jessica is told that only 12 people showed up for her signing. She is shocked. Her Dad tells her that only 250 people showed up for Hilary Clinton's book signing.

Meanwhile at home, Drew and Nick decorate the house. They hang up paintings.

Jessica is getting makeup done and a fan is introduced to her. Her mother feels that Jessica isn't being super friendly to the fan and prompts her.
Jessica gets mad and says she was being nice to the fan. Jessica's dad
says she's not acting nice today and mouths the word 'bitch'.

After the interview with Katie Couric, Jessica goes to take photos with fireman.She is wearing a tight dark blue jumpsuit. They give her a jacket and hat to try on and offer to let her slide down the pole.

Later at the hotel, Jessica can't find her hotel room even though the room number is printed on her itinerary.

Jessica comes home from NYC and complains about how Nick has decorated the house. Jessica says that Nick is trying to help her but in his own way. Nick tells her to stop bitching, first she bitches about the clutter and then she bitches when he cleans things up. Jessica says she wants to hire someone to design the house. She also complains that Nick has damaged the walls by moving things on his own and says 'We'll have to rewall the house'.

Nick says she doesn't know what she's talking about by using the word 'rewall'. Jessica says she's going to hire him as the decorator. Nick asks how he'll get paid and she says 'In the bedroom'. He says 'I want a raise with big benefits'.

Jessica says 'What?' and he replies 'You know what I mean' (I guess Jessica
had better get her knee pads ready!) Jessica gets up and Nick says 'You're going to leave me to drink alone?'. She goes off and watches TV. He goes into the room, grabs her, throws her over his shoulder and she starts screeching, 'Baby, baby, baby'.

Newlyweds Episode #6 Recap

Jessica and Nick are in Orlando for the fourth of July. She is singing 'God Bless America' at radio station's event.

Nick is dropped off at the airport by Jessica. She is whining about him going clubbing when he's away. He is later seen at a club watching a bikini contest.

Jessica then goes to NYC to promote her album. She talks about how Nick has inspired her album. Nick promotes his album in LA with Rick Dees. He says Jessica has never hung up a towel in her life.

Jessica whines that Nick doesn't call her enough when he's away. He says he can't sit around the hotel room to wait for when she has a free minute. They are laying down
and Nick strokes her hair. She says that she was laying in bed waiting for him to call and he was out in the club on his previous trip. She adds that she only has seen him 5 times in the month of July.

They get ready for the concert and then go to the show. Nick and Jessica sit in the holding area. Jessica says that the girl singer on before them can't find her key. She and Nick make fun of the girl.

Jessica goes out and belts 'God Bless America'. She hits all the notes high.

Back in LA, Jessica and Nick go out to eat with Justin Jeffre. Nick asks her if she's hungry. He asks her five times where she wants to go and she can't make up her mind. They settle on Tony Roma's.

Nick and Jessica are planning a Bahamas trip. Justin says they should have fun in the Bahamas and they should try scuba diving. Jessica says she doesn't like deep water and was almost eaten by a shark once. She also says she was swimming as a kid and a fish head went into her mouth. Later, people come up and ask Jessica for her autgraph. Justin says 'Gee Nick they don't like you.'

Jessica is packing for the Bahamas and asks Nick how many pairs of jeans she should bring. She says she wants to bring 7; Nick makes fun of her. She tells him she bought 4 pairs in NYC.

Lea and Drew accompany Nick and Jessica on the vacation. All four of them are eating dinner and apparently, Jessica has never heard of Buffalo wings and thinks that they are made from buffalos.

After dinner, Nick and Drew clown around the water. Jessica mistakes a plastic bag for a jelly fish. Lea says 'Jess, its a plastic bag'.

The next day, Nick lays on top Jessica while she is sunbathing. Drew tells them 'You do have a room'.

On a boat trip, Jessica says that whales eat people and says 'A whale ate Jonas'. Nick says, 'Yes and it was one of the best things that happened to Jonas'. Nick lays on top of an oiled up bikini clad Jessica. They also go up in a parachute.

As the trip ends, Jessica says that she has confronted her fear of dolphins and heights. She, Nick, Lea and Drew swim with the dolphins.

In the next episode, Jessica says her mother is being bossy. Her Dad says that she's a spoiled brat. Jessica says that she wants the the house to be decorated by a designer and Nick says 'Why do we have to hire someone for everything?' The discussion evolves into an argument with Nick saying 'fuck' every otherword.

Newlyweds Recap: Episode #5

Jessica and Nick go to Ohio for Nick's grandmother's wedding; they stay with friends of Nick from his pre-fame days.

While at the airport, Jessica has a break down because her label described her singing as 'too challenging' because people won't be able sing along with it.

They go to King's Island (a Ohio amusement park) and get on rides. At a carny stand,Jessica doesn't know how to bounce a ball and hits herself in the chin with it. She then fails to win a prize but the carny gives her a stuffed animal. It is a platypus, but Jessica pronounces it 'platy-pa-mus'.

Jessica and Lea (Drew's wife) go jogging. Nick kisses Jessica goodbye. They then start off and Nick tells them to run against the traffic.

In the car, on the way to a fun night out on the town, Nick argues with his label about what song to release first.

At the club, they get really drunk and Nick and Jessica dance closely.

The next day, Nick is hung over. He says he hurt his knee the previous night.

Nick and Drew go meet their grandma's fiance at the assisted living facility. Back at home, Jessica is seen eating a Wendy's hamburger; she is hung over and announces she has to 'drop some kiddies at the pool'. (Ed: ewww.. why does she always announce bodily functions?)

Nick and Drew sing at the wedding, then both couples leave for Los Angeles.

Back in town, Jessica re-records her song. She brings Nick with her to the studio. He is supportive and nice to her.

Fun At The Playboy Mansion Episode #4

Jessica lets out a huge fart to start the show and Nick opens the door and tries to get fresh air to come in to no avail.

Next, Jessica does not want Nick going on Playboy radio with porn star Julie Ashton. She asks him, 'What part of the building will you be in? The part where they take pictures?'

Jessica tells Nick he shouldn't do it. In addition, Nick has also been invited to a Spike TV party at the Playboy mansion.

After the interview, Nick invites the girls over from Playboy radio to a pool party.. Jessica gets mad and then goes off to her promo tour.

The house is dirty as usual, clothes everywhere. Nick has second thoughts about going to the party and having the Playboy TV girls over, and Drew says,'Well you could tell them that your house is a mess and you have to clean up so they can't come over.'

Nick grins and admits, 'Well that is the truth.'

He cancels with the Playboy girls. Nick tries to cancel attending the Playboy party, but his management tells him not to because they had already confirmed that he would attend.

Drew goes to the party with him. They leave from Drew's modest home
.
Drew jokes with his wife about bringing back some Playmates. She says,'Sure go ahead', in a good natured voice.

Nick and Drew have a good time at the party looking at girls. Meanwhile, Jessica is away with her Mommy on a promo tour and she is sulking in the hotel room and complaining to Mommy. Later she phones Nick and whines to him about his activities.

Later, Nick tells Jessica about finding a mouse in the pool. He tells her it had rigor mortis. Jessica does not know that word and appears baffled. Nick slowly explains to her what

Jessica talks on the phone with Lea about golfing. She tells her about how her Dad hit a duck with a golf ball. The girls decide to go to the golf shop.

Jessica buys a golf glove. Nick tries to teach her how to golf. She keeps making divuts in the green.

Then, she quits because 'her hands hurt'.

Jessica begins a litany of complaints (I need to pee, I need to eat, Can I ride in the golf carts,then tells Nick to bend his arms). Exasperatedly, Nick tells her to knock it off.

Jessica and Nick drive to the next tee. Jessica drives erratically. The group plays some more. Jessica complains about needing to pee and asks if there are 'porta potties' around.

Later, she golfs some more and actually hits a ball. Finally its time to go and Jessica says she needs to pee again!

Previews for the next show reveal that Jessica's label is not thrilled with one of the songs on her new album and wants her to rerecord it. Jessica is not happy.

Episode #3

Episode #3

Time for another episode of the exciting adventures of Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson, America's favorite C List couple.

On the most recent episode, Nick takes Jessica, Drew, and Lea (she is Drew's wife of almost three years, as well as a former choreographer for 98 Degrees; she is currently running a party planning company called Signature Soirees, check their website for photos of Nick and Jessica at a 'soiree') camping up in Big Bear. Nick and Jessica go over to Drew and Lea's modest home and get ready for the trip. As usual its Nick organizing everything, this time with the assistance of his brother Drew (who is also in 98 Degrees with Nick). Jessica and Lea watch as Nick and Drew load everything into the SUV. Before the trip starts, Jessica starts whining about not wanting to go. She also balks at helping Drew load the mountain bikes into the car. (They are to heavy for her) Lea is mostly silent (luckily for Drew she is not as annoying as Jessica).

On the trip, Jessica whines all the way to camp site with a litany of complaints - it's too hot, when do we get there, stop I need to pee. Once there, Jessica exhausted from the long ride. She lies down in a tent. Nick and Drew setup the camp. Nick explains that the food and toiletries will have to go in a special locker to protect them from bears.

Jessica shudders and says,'There are bears out here?'

After the fire is started, Jessica complains about the smoke and says,'It dries my eyes out, I should have brought my eye drops.'

The next morning, everyone is up and talking about the upcoming hike. Lea thinks that they should come back to the camp site for lunch. Nick says, 'No, we should put sandwiches in a bag and take them in the cooler.'

Jessica then complains that sandwiches will get soggy and she doesn't want soggy sandwiches. Wisely, she tells him not to get mad at her before she stops speaking after she catching him shooting her a look of annoyance. After Jessica's rant, Nick tells her to get her ass in the tent to get dressed so that they can go hiking.

The group drives to the hiking trail and Jessica starts complaining. She tells Lea that her father used to give fitness tests and that she never went with him because he knew that she'd complain too much.
Jessica falls on the way down the hiking trail which momentarily stops her complaining. Nick is nice enough to pick her up instead of walking off and leaving her there.

Back at camp, Jessica tells Nick that they should have gone to Santa Barbara instead. Fast forward to dinner time. Jessica, in her never ending quest to be irresponsible, admits that she left toiletries (which were supposed to be put away) out where the bears could get them. Nick looks astonished at her statement, but quickly remember who he is married to and recovers.

Gathered around the blazing campfire, the group chit chats and Lea pulls out the book of questions. She asks everyone in turn,'If you were 90 years old, would you rather have the body or the mind of a 30 year old?'

'I'd rather have the body of a 30 year old because people don't expect you to have a brain. They just want to love on you.', says Jessica.

Nick is asked if there's any whose life he prefers to his. When he hesitates, Jessica says that he's making her feel small.

'Well, I'm sure Bruce Willis has a great life.' says Nick. Jessica pouts.

They all go to bed. Jessica and Lea get up to go to the bathroom, but become scared by creatures they find in there. They run out of the bathroom screaming.

The next morning everyone gets up. Lea asks Drew to make her a sandwich because she made him one yesterday; he tells her to get up off her ass and make it herself.

Jessica starts screaming because there are bugs in her hair. Drew somberly states, 'The PMS girls stirred them up.'

The next shot is of Jessica and Nick walking down a somewhat steep hill. Jessica is complaining (as usual) and Nick says, 'See Jessica, this is alot easier than coming up.'

Jessica then stumbles and falls on her butt. Instead of leaving her there, Nick picks her up.

Later, the guys breakdown the camp. The girls just wander around. Nick makes fun of what Jessica says when she goes to the bathroom, she always says, 'gotta go poo poo'. (Yuck!)

On next weeks previews, Jessica throws a fit because Nick is going to the Playboy building.. also the happy couple is golfing and Jessica is trying to golf with Nick offering some frustrated advice. Later she drives the cart onto the other people's green without realizing it until Nick tells her.

Episode #2

Episode #2

Does pretty Jessica Simpson have a brain? Who the hell pays $750 for three pieces of underwear? On this episode, Jessica was shopping for sexy lingerie because Nick was off auditioning hot dancers for his videos and she felt that she needed something extra to turn him on. The silly girl selects 2 thongs and bra (apparently without looking at the price tags) and takes them to the counter where they ring up to the grand total of $746.00. Outside the story, she calls Nick and tells him in a panicky voice,'Honey, I just spent $750 on underwear, I'm so sorry, I didn't know how much they were..'

Nick (who actually seems rather smart but not intelligent enough to avoid marrying Jessica) tells her to take them back, but Jessica tells him that the store won't take back underwear. Barely holding back frustrated tear, she walks to her Mercedes in a daze and gets in.

Next, she drives to the studio where Nick is auditioning lots of hot dancers. Jessica stares down the sexy babes with her beedy little ferret eyes. Later, she'll tell Nick that she felt some of the girls giving her 'attitude'.

After a quick commercial break, Nick is seen rehearsing his new single 'Shut Up' with the foxy dancers. Jessica is jealously waiting in the wings, whining and moaning that those women 'had better watch where they're touching' her man. After having her fill of seeing her man molested by the pack of wanton hussies, Jessica mewls into the ear of Nick's publicist that the routine needs to be toned down because it is not appropriate for strange women to be caressing Nick due to his recent marriage - he had a public image to protect. The publicist relays this message to Nick's manager and the brazen whores are instructed to keep their filthy paw's off Jessica's Nick during the dance routine. Lil Jessy looks happy after this.

Jessica and Nick then rehearse their duet. As usual, Nick is a little frustrated with her, but they manage to get through it without another major argument occuring (a recurring theme of 'Newlyweds' is Nick's frustration with his young virgin bride's immaturity).

Fast forward to a Century City, CA show the dynamic duo are doing for the USO. Prior to the show, they a decamped in a hotel room (with Jessica's Mommy and Daddy) getting ready. Once in the room, Jessica complains that she has not eaten all day. Nick tiredly asks her to stop bitching and to just deal with it. Jessica's Mom tells her the same thing, so Jessica says with a pout, 'I'm not bitching!' In her perky school voice, Jessica tells Nick, 'Screw you.'

Jessica lays on the bed with her Mommy, who pats her hair and kisses her. Nick wants to watch the game and Jessica whinnies and says,'Oh, Nick, let's watch a movie'.

They argue back and forth for a few seconds after which Nick, in an attempt to keep his sanity, says,'Ok fine, I'll watch it in the dancers room'. (The sexy dancers from the rehearsal are in the show today.)

Jessica cries, 'Ok, fine then Nick'.

After Nick leaves the room, Jessica tells her Mom that if Nick ever cheats on her she won't cut his dick off, she'll shoot it off.

Later, Nick goes down an rehearses his song with the dancers. Jessica goes down and stares at Nick's dancers with an ugly chipmunk pout on her face. Jessy obviously does not like other women messing with her man.

Finally, its show time and Jessica bitches that Nick has already walked down to the stage area without her. She complains,'Well, he could have told me that he was already going down! Why didn't he tell me?'
Could it be that her bitching and whining would have made him kill her? Probably.

Nick gives a great performance with the dancer, and then Jessica goes onstage. Her onstage banter includes self involved remarks about her recent marriage; then, in a fit of bizarre jealousy, she explains that since Nick had the sexy dancers on stage, she will invite a guy with a beer belly and baseball cap on stage while she sings her biggest hit, 'I Wanna Love You Forever'.

Back at home, she asks Nick,'Do you think I'm as sexy as your pussy car doll dancers?' He says, 'Yes'. Jessica, with all her raging insecurities, has to force the issue by saying, 'Are you sure?' Nick, who good naturedly decided to play with Jessica's head, replies,'You're sexier than all of them maybe except for one.'

Nick decides he might as well make use of Jessica; he picks her up, throws her over his shoulder and carries her up the stairs. During this trip, Jessica protests a bit and says teasingly, 'Do you want to get laid?' (Ewww, what a yucky thought!!)

The show closes with previews of next weeks episode. Jessica is shown with a $2300 Louis Vitton bag, chewing gum on a camping trip to Big Bear. Nick is heard intoning,'I have a five year plan to get her unspoiled'. Good luck, Nick!